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buzzcut season

the men up on the news, they try to tell us all that we will lose
but it's so easy in this blue, where everything is good

and I'll never go home again
(place the call, feel it start)
favorite friend
(and nothing's wrong when nothing's true)
I live in a hologram with you
we're all the things that we do for fun
(and I'll breathe, and it goes)
play along
(make-believe it's hyper-real)
but I live in a hologram with you

cola with the burnt-out taste
I'm the one you tell your fears to
there'll never be enough of us


I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

you for the rest of my life
me till the end of time
so we can
start the journey home


Feb. 2nd, 2014

getting ready for two hellish weeks at work, and two totally insane weekends to help us through them.

more in the morning. for now, I need to sleep.

sitting halfway between a massive anxiety attack and a total sobbing fit. I don't even know why. it's not even a case of "someone else's sadness" which can often explain a lot of my weird emotion swings... I'm just freaking out for no apparent reason.

going on another long day and I fucking hate it when people tell me to do things with minimal instruction and then leave before I even finish reading the email. I slogged my way through most of it but it fucking kills me having to admit that I don't know how to do some of this stuff. makes me feel like a total reject. now I'm sitting here waiting for emails that may never actually come because people don't bother logging out of lync when they're not actually around to answer questions, so I assume they're still here and the joke ends up being on me.

Jeff went to view the house without me, which is probably for the best since I'm a spastic asshole right now.

sick again, too. losing my voice and stuffed up and throat is sore. seriously, what the fuck. I've been sick for almost two months, this shit is getting really old.

I'm tired and I'm hungry, and I can't even do anything about the latter unless I want to to to the casino for food, which is an hour-long endeavour at best and they won't take a dinner order over the phone. assholes.

think I'm just going to finish what I'm working on and go home. give these dicks 20 minutes or so to answer my email and then, well, fuck em.

"we'll just have to wait and see."

story of my life.

Jan. 1st, 2014

a knock on my door, around 4:30 am. a soaked, shivering, lost soul in the hallway.
I'm so afraid everyone'll be mad at me.
pulled him in, got some towels, some dry clothes, and sat on the bed holding him until he fell asleep.
he holds his breath when he starts to cry. swipes at the tears with the heels of his hands like he's angry at them. knots his fingers in his bangs when he sleeps.
if there's one thing you learn living in Meridian, it's how to be strong when your heart is breaking. right up until the moment you have nothing left to give.

“I no longer need you to fuck me as hard
as I hate myself.
Make love to me
like you know I am better than the worst thing I ever did.
Go slow.
I’m new to this
but I have seen nearly every city from a rooftop without jumping.
I have realized that the moon did not have to be full for us to love it.
We are not tragedies
stranded here beneath it.”

Buddy Wakefield, “We Were Emergencies”


shakes, rash, sweats, confusion, chest pain, and random bouts of fever and hysteria. fine for an hour, them vomiting and exhaustion. blanking out constantly, staring into space for minutes on end and not even realizing it. and the goddamn stabbing in my head, every time I cough, every time I try to sleep.

I can't remember the last time I felt well. the day of the Christmas party, maybe, so one day in a span of a month? I can't even remember when I got sick.

pretty sure I've displaced a rib with all this coughing, and that's why that brutal pain is there. there's a lump under my shoulderblade that shifts and hurts like a motherfucker if I twist enough to press on it. or if I happen to roll onto my back at night.

on a positive note, I think the pneumonia is gone. definitely no rattle in my chest for about 24 hours now. haven't coughed up anything bloody and solid for about two days.

it scares me that my body can collapse this completely.

goddammit, I'm 32. who the hell let this happen?

better question is "why the fuck am I going to work?"... *facepalm*

yesterday had ups and downs. we left the house early afternoon and went for lunch at our new favourite place, Original Joes. I had bacon tomato soup with grilled cheese croutons - just gorgeous. Jeff loved his chili lime chicken, and we were both quite disappointed with the hummus and naan bread (they were good about it and took it off the bill). went from there to Toys R Us and blitzed shopping for the kids. by the time we hit the checkout I could barely stand - we got home and I collapsed for a four hour nap.

when I got up I decided it was high time to iron the lovely Harry Potter sprite I'd been working on for my boss... and promptly destroyed it. I'm not sure what happened but the beads cracked apart in huge chunks and warped off the boards - no way to salvage them at all. perhaps it's a hint that I really shouldn't work on larger sprites before I work out a way to iron them that doesn't involve leaving them on the pegboards (ie. actually learning how to tape sprites properly). oh well. I can salvage a lot of beads, it looks like, so that's something.

did some writing after that, working on a silly SK spinoff piece that has me giggling like mad. eventually Jeff decided that he needed to go to Walmart to finish Christmas shopping, despite not having a clue what he wanted to pick up, and I got dragged along for the ride. we did get Christmas chocolates, and wrapping paper, so it wasn't a total bust.

by the time we got home I'd realized what we could get for Cheryl and Trevor, and went on HMV's website to reserve the first 4 seasons of Buffy on DVD for Trev. was pretty stoked to find out they're on the "2 for $30" sale, so they'll only cost us $60 total.

totally saw something silly at Walmart last night that I wanted to get for Es'ka, and I'm kicking myself for not picking it up. I'm hoping I can find it at MTown when I drop by there tonight to get Trev's DVDs.

more writing when we got home, and Jeff curled up on the couch with me to read more of his book (he's working his way through "Ender's Game"). he's decided that he wants to get off the computer and spend more time reading, something I won't argue with - at the very least it'll be good for our relationship. he used to devour books when I first met him and it was nothing for us to spend an evening curled up on opposite ends of the couch in total silence. hard to find that in our house nowadays, but I can hope right?

trains are surprisingly empty this morning. guess most people were smart and took today off.

alright. just need to chug through today and then I can rest until January. one shift, and a trip to the mall. can't be that bad, right?